Direct answer: Dating dealbreakers are the traits that make people lose interest in a potential partner, and research shows they carry more weight than the qualities people actively seek. In studies led by psychologist Peter Jonason, a single dealbreaker reduced interest more than a matching positive trait increased it. The effect was strongest when people were thinking about a long-term relationship. Self-esteem and loneliness also changed how strictly people applied their own rules.
What are dating dealbreakers, and why do they weigh so much?
For years, research on mate preferences focused on what people want in a partner. Psychologists call these desired traits dealmakers. Far less attention went to dealbreakers, the traits people actively avoid.
Jonason and colleagues set out to close that gap across six studies (Jonason et al., 2015). Together the studies included more than 6500 participants. Dealbreakers clustered around undesirable personality traits, unhealthy lifestyles and mismatched mating strategies, meaning partners who want a very different kind of relationship.
The most striking result concerned balance. People weighed dealbreakers more negatively than they weighed dealmakers positively. This asymmetry was stronger for women and for people already in committed relationships.
The authors linked this to prospect theory and error management theory. Both suggest that avoiding a costly mistake feels more urgent than securing a comparable gain. In dating, that means one serious red flag can cancel out several attractive qualities.
This also explains why early dates can feel unforgiving. A partner may be warm, funny and successful, yet one disrespectful remark can dominate the memory of the evening. Knowing this bias helps you judge both yourself and others more fairly, and reminds you to look for patterns rather than a single awkward moment.
Do dealbreakers matter more for marriage than for a fling?
Context changes the rules. In the original studies, dealbreakers were stronger in long-term than in short-term relationship contexts. In short-term contexts, women reported stronger dealbreakers than men.
Personal standing mattered too. People with higher self-rated mate value reported more dealbreakers. People with less restricted mating strategies, who are more open to casual relationships, reported fewer.
A later project tested these ideas experimentally (Jonason et al., 2022). Researchers gave participants different information about potential partners and asked whether they would want a second date or another sexual encounter. The first experiment included 306 people, and the replication included a similar sample.
The pattern held. People became less interested in partners after learning about a dealbreaker. The drop was larger in the long-term context than in the short-term one, and it operated similarly in men and women.
Why do some people overlook red flags?
The 2022 experiments also asked how people felt about themselves. People who reported lower self-esteem or more loneliness were more receptive to partners with dealbreakers. People who believed they had higher mate value, higher self-esteem or less loneliness were more receptive to partners with dealmakers.
The authors interpreted these results through sociometer theory. This view treats self-esteem as an internal gauge of how accepted we feel by others. When that gauge reads low, people may lower their standards to secure connection.
This insight is useful in daily life. Loneliness can quietly change what we are willing to accept. A trait that would be an obvious red flag on a confident day can look tolerable after a long, isolated stretch.
None of this means that people with low self-esteem make poor choices by nature. It means that emotional state is part of the decision. Recognizing that influence is the first step toward choosing more freely.
What does this mean when choosing a life partner?
For anyone looking for a lasting match, the research suggests three practical habits. These are our interpretation of the evidence, not rules tested in the studies themselves.
First, know your true dealbreakers before you start dating. Separate core issues, such as values, health habits and relationship goals, from minor annoyances that fade with familiarity. Writing them down while you feel settled makes them harder to bargain away later.
Second, notice your state when you meet someone new. If you feel lonely or rejected, give yourself a little more time before deciding to overlook a warning sign. Talking it through with a trusted friend can restore perspective.
Third, remember that first impressions run in both directions. Because people weigh negatives heavily, your own small habits on an early date can matter more than your strengths. Showing kindness, attention and respect costs little and protects a good first impression.
Finally, keep in mind that a dealbreaker for one person can be irrelevant to another. Two thoughtful people can have very different lists and both be right. The goal is not a universal checklist. The goal is clarity about what you need for a relationship that lasts.
Frequently asked questions
What is a dating dealbreaker?
It is a trait that makes someone lose interest in a potential partner. Research links dealbreakers to undesirable personality traits, unhealthy lifestyles and mismatched relationship goals (Jonason et al., 2015).
Do dealbreakers matter more for marriage than for casual dating?
Yes. Dealbreakers were stronger in long-term than in short-term contexts, and learning about one reduced interest in a second date (Jonason et al., 2022).
Are women stricter than men about dealbreakers?
Partly. Women showed stronger dealbreakers in short-term contexts, but in experiments the effect of learning a dealbreaker was similar in men and women (Jonason et al., 2015; 2022).
Why do some people accept partners with obvious red flags?
People with lower self-esteem or more loneliness were more receptive to partners with dealbreakers in experimental studies (Jonason et al., 2022).
A hopeful conclusion
Dealbreakers are not a sign of being too picky. They are a natural part of how people protect themselves from costly mistakes. When you choose from a place of self-respect, they help you find a partner who fits. When a true dealbreaker does appear, ending things early is often kinder to both people than hoping it will disappear.
Read this article in Persian: روز اول آشنایی: چه ویژگیهایی طرف را فراری میدهد؟
Sources
- Jonason PK, Garcia JR, Webster GD, Li NP, Fisher HE. Relationship dealbreakers: traits people avoid in potential mates. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2015;41(12):1697-1711. DOI: 10.1177/0146167215609064 · PMID: 26445853
- Jonason PK, White KP, Lowder AH, Al-Shawaf L. To see or not to see (again): dealbreakers and dealmakers in relation to social inclusion. Front Psychol. 2022;13:1019272. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1019272 · PMID: 36211894
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